


The Painful Secret

by AikaAlonelove



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Both are broken, Both needs hugs, Brotherly Love, Depressed Papyrus, Depressed Sans, Evil writer, Have fun crying, I am so sorry, I will torture your feels, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, POV Papyrus, POV Sans, Papyrus Has Issues, Papyrus Needs A Hug, Sad Papyrus, Sad Sans, Sans Has Issues, Sans Has Night Terrors, Sans Needs A Hug, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Swearing, This is just a really fucked up fanfic, Underfell, Undertale AU, for more feels?, guilty, i dont know what even to tag anymore, if i actually write my feels right, man I'm so evil, trying to find a song for each chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-03 00:50:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6589987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AikaAlonelove/pseuds/AikaAlonelove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Papyrus is guilty. Guilty of the sins he had done. Who hurts their own brother? Who hurts their brother to the extent of them just being broken? Who hurts their brother and hurts himself too? It was for their sake. Sans should never find out. He shouldn't have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Secret

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I am so sorry about my other stories not being updated, I'm working on them right now, but for now, here is another weird idea I came up with. Hope you enjoy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to Jar of Hearts by CHRISTINA PERRI,  
> This is what Papyrus thinks of Sans' thoughts about him.  
> "And who do you think you are?  
> Runnin' 'round leaving scars"
> 
> Papyrus thinks that Sans hates him so much.

Night fell upon the Underground. Papyrus sat on top of his bed, in his hand was a pocket knife. He striped himself of his battle body, it was useless now. He'd spend nights alone, without his stupid brother, he flinched at that thought. He didn't mean to actually call his own brother, stupid. He had to do it. It keep him safe. But what person hurts their own brother? And also hurts himself? He was just a horrible living monster. He should be dust by now. Without his fake stupid pride and strength, he would have committed suicide.

 

He curled up on his bed. His head filled with deep dark thoughts.

 

_You're horrible. You don't deserve happiness. You don't deserve your brother. Your brother hates you. You don't deserve to live. You're **disgusting**._

 

He wanted to shout. To get rid of these thoughts. But all that came out was a crack in his voice. His brother is just in the next room. He gave his brother his own room. He was kind enough to show a bit of his kindness to his brother. Hope? No there wasn't any left for Papyrus. He covered his mouth and curled up into a ball. The thoughts kept haunting him to an extent, where he could feel a crack in his soul. He opened his eyes, he didn't even know when he shut it, and slowly took out his soul. His soul was a beautiful color of purple, but there is a giant crack in the middle, about to break the heart into half, with tiny cracks spreading out from the giant crack. It was a pathetic sight.

 

He wanted so badly to grab to and crush it. It was possible to self-destruct with your soul. But he didn't. He couldn't. He had to keep his brother safe. Until his time ends. So he retorted to another way to cope with these thoughts. He held tightly the pocket knife in his hands. He had to remember which places his battle body had covered, so he himself wouldn't be dust by someone else's hands. He looked at his ribcage.

 

Cracks were running along a few on the ribs, a few were....lets just say it wasn't pretty. He angled his knife against a smooth part of one of his ribs. With a small whimper, which was unlike him, a chip of bone flew across the room. He stared at his new wound, he chuckled bitterly at the sight. As he chuckled, he could feel purple tears rolling down his face. Soon enough, his chuckle became a whimper, it was just pathetic.

 

He slashed on his upper arm bones, his leg bones, his shoulder bones where it would be covered. He felt exhausted, he had a look at his HP, it was 2/70. Lucky. Was it even supposed to be called 'Lucky'? He took a big black box from underneath his bed and unlocked it. The sweet and sticky smell of Cinnamon buns reached him, also seen was a small box in the big black box. He placed his pocket knife in the small box and ate a few buns. He found out that it could heal your HP and didn't heal injures. It was a easy plan.

 

He check his health once again, 70/70. That should be fine. Hopefully Sans didn't hear a thing, he didn't need pity. He felt his eye sockets slowly close, tired from all that work. Slowly, he drifted off the sleep, which he hasn't done in a few days. As much as Papyrus loved sleep, he had nightmares that kept him up all night. It wasn't nice. 

 

All Papyrus wanted was a nice sleep, only to receive a nightmare. Usually his nightmares were of being found out, being hurt, hurting Sans, Sans dying... but this night, it was different. 

 

* * *

 

 

Papyrus woke up. He wanted to scream. Sans? The world was blurry, his breath was too fast, his mind just...fucked up. Tears were dripping, Papyrus just wanted it all to stop.

 

**A crack sounded around the room.**

 

With that oh familiar sound, Papyrus somehow immediately calmed down. Papyrus knew what that sound meant. He knew exactly what it had meant. Papyrus slowly, summoned his soul out and sure enough, there was a new crack on his poor soul. He bet that Undyne would call him a loser if she saw this. In this world, it was kill or be killed. And definitely, Papyrus was heading to the 'be killed' path. Papyrus bitterly chuckled.

 

Papyrus looked back on that...nightmare. He shivered. It was horrifying. Was it possible to say that it was worse that the others? Yes. Yes, It was. Papyrus shrugged, it's alright, everything would be fine. What a fucking lie. Everything wasn't fine. Nothing was fine with this world to start with. Papyrus is just some disgusting brother. Just fucking disgusting.

 

Papyrus dressed up and headed down to eat breakfast. He cooked some food for his stupid brother. Always lazy, always sleeping. Papyrus had no appetite after that fucking disgusting nightmare. He placed it on the table, like he usually does. He then headed up to his brother's room and took a deep breath. Acting versus Acting. He slammed the door open and shouted at his brother.

 

"GET UP YOU LAZYBONES, UGH YOU'RE SO USELESS"

 

As Papyrus shouted, Sans slowly woke up. Papyrus took notice of the dried red tears and eye bags on his face but disregarded it. 

 

"s-sorry boss..."

 

Sans flinched, taking notice of his brother, not wanting to anger him further. He quickly stood up from his bed.

 

"I'M GOING TO PATROL FOR HUMANS. SO STOP BEING LAZY AND DO SOMETHING!"

 

Papyrus pretended to scold Sans in frustration, thankfully Sans didn't notice. After all, Acting vs Acting right? Papyrus could hear another crack sound occurring and Papyrus definitely didn't want Sans to know. Papyrus pretended to be angry at Sans and left the room in a hurry. Because he could definitely see the broken face of Sans, the pain he had caused upon him. Papyrus left the house and went to his station. Soon enough, he arrived at his station and, for once, sat down. Papyrus sighed. He held his skull in his hands, self-hatred swirling around his mind.

 

Another day,

 

Just more pain.

 

**A crack sounded, and a whimper followed.**


	2. Curiousity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans got curious at the cracking sound, as well as the whimper.  
> He shouldn't have check it out.  
> He shouldn't have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to River Flows In You by Yiruma.  
> It's really beautiful and sad.

Sans went down the stairs, grumbling about how bossy his 'boss' was. Hopefully boss was kind enough to make breakfast for him. Right on mark, definitely, there was a plate of what Sans assumed to be food. Sans shuffled up to the table and took a bite of what seemed to be food, it just looked like a burnt spaghetti on a plate. He slightly chuckled at this, he knew that Papyrus had never improved so far into making his spaghetti, even though, he needed something to eat. He took the fork placed on the plate along with the food and took a small bite.

He immediately spit it right out.  **Disgusting**. Just like himself. As expected, it tasted like shit. Sans took the plate and threw it in the trash can. He shook his head and sighed. This is not a great way to start his day. Although, he had a nightmare earlier that day. It was different than his usual nightmares of that human. It was a dream of Papyrus with this look, it seemed sad and guilty?

 

Sans shook his head, that definitely couldn't be true. Papyrus was strong and had a fucking asshole attitude. Hopefully Papyrus would never know that otherwise he would kill him for sure. Sans took his jacket that was left on the couch of their living room and wore it. He opened the main door of their house, remembering to close it like his boss does and headed off to Grillbys. Papyrus said it was a shitty place, but Sans loved the food presented there, it was so much better than eating burnt spaghetti.

In Snowdin, it was always snowy, he grumbled under his breath, at least he had his jacket. He bumped into a few of his previous enemies, Papyrus had always protected him even though he didn't ask for it. They just glared at him before going back to what they were doing. Soon enough, Sans was standing in front of the entrance. He sighed, hopefully his boss wouldn't find him here. He made his way inside the building, avoiding a few bar fights and broken glasses along the way. As usual, it was rowdy. This is the Underground after all. Sitting on one of those stools, he waved at the fire monster who owned this place and ordered a burger. Thankfully, Grillby was actually a great friend to Sans, he didn't need to pay for his tab, until maybe a few months after. While waiting, he got bored, he grabbed a bottle of mustard near the counter and spilled the contents in his mouth. A memory of Papyrus scolding him for drinking mustard passed his vision as he closed his eyes to savor the flavor of the drink. He should get ready soon and go to work.

 

**A crack sounded, and a whimper followed.**

 

What the fuck? Sans opened his eyes and blinked in confusion. Sans looked around for the source of the sound. It seemed like everyone else didn't hear that sound, they were too focused to what they are seemed to be doing, fights and all. He placed the bottle of mustard on the counter and dropped down his stool. He wondered if it was his imagination or it was real. It felt real, the sound rung through his skull after all. He chuckled at a pun that came up in his head about that, nothing went through him after all. Going back to the subject, he asked Grillby for a takeout instead, hopefully boss wont find him. He waited for a few minutes and soon enough, the fire monster gave him a paper bag of his burger that he order. He walked out of Grillbys, glaring at those who looked his way. He had no time to deal with them and their shit.

 

"fuck off"

 

With that simple sentence, others glared at him, ready to initiate a fight but before they could do so, Sans slammed the door in their faces. He laughed, they should have seen their faces, they rolled their eyes and went back to fighting one another. Another normal day in the Underground, their reactions seem predictable as time passed by. Because of that human monster, he shivered at that thought. They killed him without mercy, he remebered the faces of the people he watched die, he blinked away the tears that seemed to be forcing its way out. The one that cracked him was the death of his brother, Papyrus. He shook his head, not wanting another nightmare this night and headed to where he assumed, the source of the sound. After all, in this world,

 

**ITS KILL OR BE KILLED.**

 

Sans stuffed his phalanges into his jacket pocket and grumbled against the snow. He passed by his house for a moment to drop off the food he had ordered, Papyrus might find him at some point, he didn't want to risk being seen with this food and scolded for his stupidity. He walked through the Snowdin Forest, trying to focus on the sound. That crack had gotten his interest, his attention, his mind He knew what that crack was. It was the same exact sound. The sound had that happened to himself. A crack in your soul. He remembered having a nightmare about that human killing Papyrus, with that evil intent in their face, as Papyrus turned into dust. He woke up shivering, shaking, whimpering as he tried to keep himself quiet, his brother being in the next room, although at that thought, he seemed to calm down because it told him that Papyrus was alive and another reset occurred.

As he calmed down, he suddenly felt a slight twinge of pain, he wasn't sure what it could be, so he took out his soul in curiosity, only to observe the result of his actions. A cracked sounded through his room, and a crack formed onto his soul. He fell off his bed, clutching his ribs in pain. It was too fucking painful, he whimpered softly in pain, hoping that the pain would slowly subside. He tried to be quiet as his brother was in the next room, assuming he was sleeping peacefully and having no care for him. But little did he know, his brother was hurting himself and clutching on a pillow to muffle his own sounds of pain. Coming back to reality, he walked along the snowy ground and wondered,

 

"what the fuck was that whimper?"

 

Sans needed answers, so he walked quickly where the he assumed the sound had come from. Recognizing the path, he seemed to be in the Snowdin Forest. Usually, it was boss and a few other monsters but during this time of the day, it was just boss. Definitely it wasn't him so who was it? He knew that his brother wasn't capable of his sol to have a crack, he knew his brother as strong, hateful, evil. Sans wouldn't admit but he looked up to his brother quite a lot, his brother always had a evil smile on his face, he wondered if he had ever felt sad, which was obviously impossible.

Approaching his brother's sentry stand, he finds his brother sitting down on a chair. Usually he would be barking around and doing shit, but this seemed actually the first time that boss was sitting down and doing nothing. What happened to his hunt for humans in the morning? He didn't want to invade his brother's space, Papyrus seemed concentrated on something. Not wanting to be scolded, Sans hid from sight and observed his brother.

 

* * *

 

Papyrus clutched his skull in pain, from the new recent crack that was made. Papyrus sat on a chair with his phalanges to his skull and sighed. This was the fifteenth it happened, at least he was slightly used to the pain. He knew that no one would pass by this area except his brother, which he assumed to be eating at that shitty place called Grillbys, his face scrunched up in disgust. How could Sans handle that disgusting greasy food? He wasn't sure how but he had better matters to take at the moment. Looking at his broken soul, he knew that if he kept this up, he would be dust soon. It was something that he always wanted all his damned life. He smiled at that thought, but soon frowned. Sans would be all alone, in a world where it's either kill or be killed. He had a job to do. He had to protect his brother. His brother would be dust without him. He had to do this. For his sake.

His soul being cracked and all, he just kept staring at it. There was a giant crack in the middle, with tiny cracks spreading out from it and a few meduim cracks on the sides. He wondered what would happen if he left Sans all alone to himself? Sans would be glad that he was gone. Remembering the activities he had done a few hours ago, he remembered the pain he had inflicted upon himself. With a sudden amount of grief, He wanted to hurt himself. Right there, Right now. No one really came around here, maybe just humans and Sans but he should be safe right?

 

"I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE I'M DOING THIS..."

 

He took his handy small knife from his pocket, and angled it well, to hit his left arm, he'll just make an excuse of fighting, no one cares anyway in this world. He grabbed the knife tightly in his right hand. He got ready to slash down like he always did, he remembered the pain he caused to others, to his family, to Sans. He was a jerk, no one deserves him. He would be a good riddance in this world, but he had to protect Sans.

 

_Even if it caused the horrifying demons in his head._

_Even if it caused him to transfer it to Sans._

_Even if he broke a rib on purpose._

_Even if he forced himself to lie every single damned time._

_Even if he had to put up this facade for the rest of his life._

_Even if he had to put everything on the line for him._

_Even if he had to hurt him physically and mentally._

_As long as Sans was safe, he would be happy._

 

He closed his eyes and slashed down.

 

"b-boss...."

 

The familiar voice shook him out of his world, and shakily noticed a familiar skeleton arm grabbing his right arm, stopping him from the process. He knew who's voice and arm it belonged to. He was stupid, he should have known that Sans would come by and see this unravel in front of his eyes. The broken part of his stupid shitty brother. He didn't want to look up. He didn't want to see the disappointment Sans had ready for him. He didn't want to be seen this weak. He didn't want Sans to know the truth after hiding for so long. He had to lie. He had to keep the secret. He had to keep him safe. He took a few silent deep breaths to calm himself down, he had to get his acting out once again to protect his brother.

**It's all your fault Papyrus.**

 

"SANS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE"

"s-sorry boss...i uh heard a w-whimper and wanted to beat up that monster?"

"SANS, LET ME GO."

"b-but boss...you were going to h-hurt yourself..."

"SANS, THIS IS TRAINING. DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME, YOU FILTHY SHIT."

"s-sorry boss..."

 

Sans let go of his arm, and slowly left Papyrus alone again. Papyrus noticed that Sans had this unreadable expression on his face, he wasn't sure how to feel about this. Once he was out of sight, Papyrus broke down. He angrily threw his knife on the snowy ground, trashing around in disappointment within himself. He failed. He was a stupid shit. He was disgusting. He deserved to die alone. He was a shitty brother. Sans didn't deserved this. He needed pain. Pain for his mistakes. For his sins. He stared at his knife on the floor, flashbacks went back like a blur, every time he had looked at his knife. He wasn't sure how many times he had done it, for once, he felt disgusted. 

Blood, Pain, Dust, Bones. It controlled him. It just seemed so beautiful. The way the knife craved onto his bones. The way the chipped part of his bones disappeared in dust. The way his bones bled, the metallic taste of his blood, the shining red color that seemed to blur his vision. He felt the familiar feeling of tears dripping down his face. He was done. Sans could have seen this part of him. He needed to release this pain within his chest. He put back his soul in his chest, and realized that the pain wasn't from his soul, it was the pain of feelings. He took up that knife and slashed down angrily on his arm.

**Punishment.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy cow, seriously, I am amazed. There are 900+hits and 80+ kudos on this fanfic I made when I was feeling depressed as heck. I was didn't know that much people would like such a short story of UF!Papyrus feeling sad and all, its been one month since I uploaded this fanfic, sorry for not updating ^^' Also I noticed there was a few typos so please tell me if you see one so I can fix it :) Anyway, I really am thankful for all the love and support for the next chapter, I just didn't expect to get this much support. Thanks, really.


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